Perfectionism: The Unattainable Goal

Most people strive for achievement and successful in their lives, but working hard to reach your goals is different than striving for perfection. Perfectionism is the belief that perfection is attainable and anything less is unacceptable. People who are perfectionists tend to constantly criticize themselves, minimize their achievements, and compare themselves to others. Research has repeatedly linked perfectionism to increases in mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and higher risk of suicidal ideation.

Brene Brown, an author and professor at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work, distinguishes perfectionism from healthy behaviors, such as self-improvement. According to Dr. Brown, perfectionism is about trying to gain approval and acceptance from others while self-improvement is trying to better yourself for yourself. She describes perfectionism as a “self-destructive and addictive belief system”. She explains perfection is self-destructive because it is an unattainable goal. She adds perfectionism is addictive because when we inevitably experience judgment, failure, or shame, we believe its because we are not good enough which perpetuates our quest to do everything just right.

Types of Perfectionism

Three types of perfectionism have been identified. The behaviors associated with each type are not necessarily different but rather directed towards a certain person or ideal:

Self-Oriented Perfectionism: trying to attain perfections as well as trying to avoid failure, often involves setting high standards for oneself and criticizing in their progress or achievements

Other-Oriented Perfectionism: having unrealistic standards for others and criticizing others’ performance, this is basically the same as self-oriented perfectionism but it is directed towards others

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: a belief that one should attain certain standards or expectations prescribed by others, this involves a great fear of being perceived negatively

Strategies for Overcoming Perfectionism

As a person who has struggled with perfectionism my entire life, I know the fear and anxiety that can come with tackling this destructive pattern. During my own personal journey and clinical experience, I’ve discovered several techniques to help change these behaviors:

Acknowledging Perfectionism: Recognizing your perfectionism is the first step towards overcoming this destructive pattern. If you are more aware of your behaviors, you are in a better place to work towards change. Many people do not realize how pervasive this pattern can be. Just saying to yourself, “This is a bit perfectionistic” or writing down situations where you notice perfectionistic patterns is a great first step! I bet you will start to recognize it in others areas as you practice!

Set Realistic Goals: Perfectionists often set unattainable goals. Start by taking a look at your goals and trying to break them down into smaller, measurable steps. Setting goals that are reasonable and can be checked off the to-do list is a great way to practice.

Practice Tolerating Imperfection: Perfectionists work extremely hard to achieve a certain standard and avoid mistakes because of fear of how they will be perceived. A really helpful technique for overcoming this behavior is to practice not doing everything perfectly. Start by doing this in situations with a relatively low risk of negative outcomes. Maybe this means you only check an email, once, rather multiple times for mistakes before sending it or purposefully leave something out of place while cleaning. Practicing this will challenge your beliefs by considering if the outcome you anticipated is actually what happens.

Practicing Self-Compassion: Many of the perfectionist clients in my practice would never dream of saying the negative things they say to themselves to others because it is simply unkind. So why on earth is it okay to say these things to ourselves?! Practice recognizing your negative self-talk and turning it into constructive feedback or kind words you would say to others.

Consider the BIG Picture: Perfectionism can cause tunnel vision - focusing on one aspect of something but missing the big picture. When I first began working on my own perfectionism, I would obsess over putting the “right” word in reports and spent a lot of time searching for synonyms or definitions of words. I realized how much time I was spending searching for a specific word that didn’t change the meaning of what I was trying to convey. Instead of asking myself what word would be best, I started focusing on the message I wanted the reader to hear.

Talking with a Therapist: I cannot emphasize enough how important this is! My own personal therapist has been an essential tool in overcoming these behaviors. It was invaluable to have someone who validated my feeling while at the same time pushed me to change the patterns that were leading to so much distress. This process is also really hard so its great to have someone to consistently support and encourage you!

Last Words

For most people, perfectionism developed through years of experiences so don’t expect these behaviors to change overnight. Remember, this is a journey! It’s likely you will encounter some challenges during this process but don’t give up. You are worthy of love, kindness, and compassion just for being you. There isn’t something you have to prove or achieve to be worthy of these things!

To obtain information about services that may be helpful for you or a loved one struggling with perfectionism, click on the FAQs page of our website for answers to commonly asked questions. Gateway Behavioral Health Consultants also offers free 15 minute phone consultations for new clients! Call use today at 314-325-2685 to schedule your consultation today!